Contextual
by Sineya
Summary: Contemplating the significance of definition. Liz POV


Contextual  
Author: Sineya   
Disclaimer: Nothing but Merriam is mine.  
Rating: PG  
Category: Liz POV  
Summary: Contemplating the significance of definition.  
Author's Notes: It's 12:54 a.m. and I'm really bored. This is the product of trying to overcome my writers block, and surprisingly it worked.   
  
  
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Need and want are, by all accounts, the same thing.   
  
The dictionary's definition of need is a necessary duty, something to be desired. Want is described as to feel or have the NEED of, to require.   
  
Basically put, these two words are synonymous.  
  
Sometimes, when I'm reading a book, or writing a paper, there's a word and I can't really recall the definition. Most times I wander over to my cherry-wood desk, open the bottom drawer and pull out my bubble-gum pink Merriam Webster''s Intermediate Dictionary. I can still remember the day back in fifth grade when I stole it.  
  
My first act of rebellion.  
  
But that's neither here nor there.  
  
Usually when I stumble over a word, or my brain freezes, I open the hard, pink cover and flip through the pages. Whizzing past A's, and riffling through F's I search for the word that's stumped my normally sharp brain.  
  
I always find it.  
  
So after looking, and rediscovering what the exact definition is I've had my vocabulary lesson for the day.  
  
But I'm so much older now. The pink cover is so faded. At one time it was glossy and bright. At one time I was tiny, and looking up words in my stolen dictionary always solved my problems.  
  
((sigh))  
  
I'm sitting here with my pink dictionary cradled in my lap.   
  
And I'm looking up words.   
  
Because lately, my life has been filled with everything BUT definitions. Everything BUT explanations.   
  
I'm sitting here, shuffling through good Old Merriam Webster searching for answers. I mean she's always been there for me before, why should now be any different?  
  
Did you know that love means a quality or feeling of strong or constant affection for and dedication to another?   
Did you know that love also means attraction based on sexual desire?  
  
So, if lust after someone, does that mean I love them?  
  
Lust -sexual desire especially if strong or uncontrolled.   
  
Nowhere in this book is love described as fear, and uncertainty, and anguish. Nowhere in this book is lust described as alarm, and doubt, and misery.  
  
Because I've felt what I thought to be love, what resemble's lust.  
  
And the definitions just don't match up.  
  
So if the dictionary can't explain what these words mean then who can?  
  
How will I ever know what love REALLY means? Or hatred? Or sadness? Or anger?  
  
My life is filled with so many unanswered questions, so many blank definitions.   
  
For six years I held my dictionary, searching and finding words . And now the clear, concise explanations have become gibberish. I search and I search and I search for something to clarify my doubts, to appease my ambiguous mind, but I'm lost.  
  
I've learned the hard way that you can't wash away all your problems with explanations, with textbook definitions.  
  
I've grown up.  
  
I've learned the difference between need and want.  
  
They aren't the same thing, no matter how much my dictionary disagrees.  
  
Need is like the earth, the soil. It steadies you, gives you a path to walk on. Sometimes there's a shower, and it softens under your feet, and that's when you need the most. That's when you realize that you couldn't walk without the earth, couldn't tread without soil. That you couldn''t live, not without the comfort and safety and relief it brings.  
  
Want is like the sky, the clouds. Moody and bright, and so out of reach. At times it seems so close, you can almost touch it. When you want the most it's right there, but it never nears enough. That's when you realize you CAN live without the sky, without the clouds. That you could survive, even if you're filled with an empty, unfulfilled ache.  
  
Yes, I've learned the difference between need and want.  
  
I need Max.  
  
I want Michael.  
  
  
End 


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